Before and After

In my life before ALS I tried to lose weight and get in shape many times over. I succeeded once or twice. I had a closet full of clothes in several sizes. I would never wear sleeveless blouses or dresses because I felt that my arms were not in shape. Eventually I always fell back to bad habits. I always wanted to partner with someone so we could inspire each other to stick to our goals. That didn’t work either. You have to travel that decision-making road on your own.

I finally made the decision to focus on myself when I registered at North Carolina Central University (NCCU) to finish college and earn a bachelor’s degree. It had been a 17-year stretch to earn my associate’s degree between deciding on a course of study, having a baby, and a former spouse who proclaimed that my GPA was only good because I took easy classes. He would tell me that I would only get a degree in basket weaving. This was meant as an insult because I am sure he has no idea how difficult it must be to weave a strong, sturdy, and practical basket.

I enjoyed the work of being a legal secretary, but I knew I was never going to move from a secretarial position without a degree. I have trained many people over the years, some had college degrees, but you would never know it. (I was once asked by a Harvard graduate and lawyer how to get a money order. I guess that they don’t teach life skills at Harvard.)

I knew that I was training people who would move on and over me because they put in their four years at college. It didn’t even matter what degree they earned, only that they had one. In my heart I felt that very few managers appreciated my work ethic (could such a thing exist in a lowly staff person?). Many years into my career, my job title changed from legal secretary to legal administrative assistant. This is a glorified title handed down from management. It obviously meant something to them, but nothing changed in my job description. The bigger the firm, the bigger the politics. The ratio of one-to-one is long gone. It is now at the very least one secretary/assistant to 5+ professionals, no matter the workload. It looks good on paper.

I was always watching shows about the law. I always found it interesting, and I had a cynical belief that the best lawyer always won. I hoped that I could make a difference and help bring justice into the criminal justice system. But I had spent almost my entire career working in intellectual property and changing to a different area of the law would most likely downgrade my career and salary just like it does when the job location moves from city to suburb.

So in 2012, shortly after moving to North Carolina, I searched for a college that offered a degree program that would be interesting and engaging. I found NCCU with a criminal justice program that had a concentration in homeland security. I took most classes online because I worked full-time. When I did show up to take the occasional class on campus, it was usually assumed that I was a parent or professor. It took me 4 years to finish. Right at the end of my studies, with 3 classes left, I received my diagnosis. I immediately signed up as a student with a disability. ALS was not going to stop me now! It was hard and things took me longer, but she persisted. 

Up until the time of my diagnosis, I was able to complete medical questionnaires by checking NO to all those boxes pertaining to medical history and medications. I didn’t have any condition requiring medication. I was, however, grossly overweight. The plan was to focus on the weight once I graduated. Then I would look for a job in a local or federal government Department of Homeland Security in Florida. ALS changed all that.

Now in my after life I am a pharmacist’s dream. I have so many medications that I gave up trying to keep track. Riluzole I mentioned previously. I now need to take Eliquis daily due to the blood clots that formed in my leg and chest from not being able to move. I need stool softeners and laxatives for the same reason. I finally agreed to a prescription for pain in my joints. The first one I tried appeared to be giving me a rash so we had to switch it out. I can take acetaminophen for minor things like a headache. I definitely need my nuedexta and Valium to control my pseudo-bulbar affect (PBA). I never was a weepy or emotional person before, and I was not easily excitable. Now I have PBA and tears come easily. There are a bunch of lotions and powder that I use. I have sensitive skin so that only adds to the chaos. It seems like every week I get some new medication. I let my husband manage it all.

Life now is coming to an end. I hope that I am ready. I went on hospice to make things easier. So far, hospice has made things more frustrating because they can’t seem to get their act together. I am not a fan of waiting until afternoon to shower and dress, unless it is my choice and I was able to do it myself. Before ALS I could pretty much do as I pleased.

Now everything is on someone else’s schedule.  Even food and medications have to be planned out. My life before ALS was definitely better, but did I ever think about it? I never gave it much thought. I had work and a family to think about.  I suggest you make your before life the best it can be, because if you think life is frustrating, don’t even think about dying!